Actually, this post is all about me.
I wonder if there is such a condition as Paranoia Nervosa. Yeah, I made that up, but I think it must be a real condition - just under a different name - and I think I suffer from it. Go ahead, you can roll your eyes if you want to.
I went to the school registration yesterday. The whole time, as I saw people I worked with last year there and neighbors and acquaintances, I was shaking in my boots so to speak. I actually broke out in a cold sweat. They would ask me questions or try to carry on a conversation with me, and I would find myself thinking 'Why is this person asking me that?' or 'What is their alterior motive for that comment?' And then all I could think about was 'I gotta get out of here.' That wasn't the first time that's happened to me.
I often feel like people are talking about me when I spy them speaking in low tones with each other. Even people I don't know, and who do not know me in any way, and surely would have no reason to be talking about me. Or I think there's this big conspiracy where everyone thinks I'm a weirdo and nobody really wants to have anything to do with me. Then all I want to do is shut myself up in my house and not have to deal with anyone other than my immediate family - and sometimes not even them. I find myself beating-myself-up mentally over things I've said in social situations - or things I should have said. Or I think of all the times I clam up - can't possibly think of anything to say to anyone - Or start talking nervously about mundane things that don't even make sense to the conversation.
Tom tells me "It's not all about you, you're thinking something that just isn't there. People don't have time to be thinking about you all the time." I remember my father also saying that to me years before. So I've been this way for some time. Am I so self-involved that I think everyone is paying attention to me all the time - and everyone is out to get me? Or do I have a chemical imbalance in my brain? Or am I just normal and everyone feels that way from time to time?
I have no answers - and I'm not looking for sympathy. Just airing some things out, maybe seeing if anyone has any ideas. I worry that I could cripple myself socially and emotionally if it keeps up. If you do happen to notice me being a little 'unsocial' from time to time - and I'm all shut up like a hermit in a hole - just know it's my condition having a condition. If you've noticed it before, well, now you have an explaination as to my 'quiet' or 'extremely talkative' behavior. I'm just nervous. It's not you, it's me.
p.s. now I'll be paranoid about posting this!
p.s. now I'll be paranoid about posting this!
3 comments:
I was that way in High School. I thought I was the only one. I know how you feel. I wish I had a cure for it.
It's called anxiety attacks, and I get them all the time. Some times if I go get a drink of water or use the bathroom, or just take a minute to breathe it goes away. But yeah, I think others are talking bad about me all the time. Some times they probably are, but for most of the time they aren't. It is hard to live with social anxiety. I see other people socialize so easily and wish could be like that.
You're awesome, Tracy. I think we all have odd things about us and the way we view things from time to time. I can get very antisocial at times. I really don't think it's entirely unusual to have some social anxiety either. I have worked with myself for quite some time to try to learn to relax in social situations. I get nervous and often don't feel like talking to anyone. :) Not exactly the same, but I still deal with my own issues. :)
My sister like the saying, "Everyone is somebody else's weirdo." LOL!
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