Choosing Happy

This is a hard post for me.  I don't really like to focus this blog on myself, since it's a family blog, but I feel strongly about what I'm writing here.  My little sister, Katie, recently wrote a post about shame, vulnerability and body-image.  I really liked what she wrote, and I'm thankful that she wrote it.  I think it's something we all struggle with in one way or another.  I recently had an experience regarding these things that led me to a different way of thinking about myself.  I want to share it with you, vulnerability and all, so here goes...

It's no secret that weight has been an issue for me for many years now.  It's a big deal.  It's affected how I view the world, and how I feel about myself.  I think it also has affected how others see me too - which I don't understand why, it has no real affect on them.  But I didn't realize just how damaging my view of myself was until about a year-and-a-half ago.  I was looking through old photo albums and I noticed that for many, many years I was not smiling in the pictures of me.  Often, there would be pictures of our family, doing activities that were really great and fun - and there would be no picture of me being involved in them.  That was because I didn't want to be in the picture.  I didn't like what I looked like, so I avoided being photographed.  I also remembered avoiding and missing out on fun activities because I was worried about my weight and what others would think.  As I looked at those pictures, I became really sad.  I thought about how my kids, and possibly grandkids, are going to look at those photos and think that I was a deeply unhappy person.  Even years ago, when I was a lot thinner than I am today - I looked miserable with myself, and irritated at whoever was taking the picture.  I decided this had to change.

I'm not going to talk about the many diets and treadmills and ups and downs of weight loss I've encountered all these years.  I've chosen not to focus on that anymore.  I decided I am going to CHOOSE to be HAPPY being the me that I am right in this moment.  To start, I decided to let my happiness show that I am enjoying this life that I have been given.  I have been so blessed in this life!  So when a picture is being taken, I show my happiness in that moment.  What a difference!  I love seeing the difference between myself now and what I used to be.  And it has carried over into ther areas of my life, and my emotional well-being.  I'm no longer obsessed with my body, or depressed with feelings of not being good enough.  Instead, I'm enjoying the time I have with my family, friends and activities I'm involved with.  If I really want to do something, I do it.  I used to get so caught up in what people would think of me - or that I looked like an idiot.  I don't care anymore.  If people don't like me, or don't want to get to know me because of what I look like, they are really missing out on getting to know a great, caring, dedicated, loving and fun person.

There are still moments I grumble when my clothes don't fit, or I'm huffing and puffing up a hill.  Or when I vie for being in the back of a group photograph to hide my fat-rolls (as a joke of course).  Being thinner would be nice, but if I am trying to be thinner to fit into what my culture, media or even other people say I should be, that is not going to make me happy.  Thinner to be healthier, sure.  That would be great!  But until - or if - that is able to happen, I choose to be really happy with myself as I am, right now.  To love each experience I am having and enjoy the people I am having each experience with.  Looking at myself and life this way has made a big difference - not just for me, but for my family too.  When Momma's happy, everybody's happy! 

I mean, look at that smile!

Who wouldn't want to know that!